Not just academically (despite studying a lot for the past few weeks), but also s p i r i t u a l l y. With everything going on in school, miscellaneous things going on with friends and family, and everything going on in preparation for the UPCAT, I haven't been able to "prepare" myself with God either.
And it's really sad. It's sad to know that I have been so focused on other things before focusing on God first. People always say, "it's my priority..." or "my main goal is..." When in fact, in everything you do, the Lord has to, has to, always be the first thing on any kind of list.
I've got a number of personal issues that have been getting in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I can say that I've done my devos, and that I've prayed to the Lord, but have I really, really, actually gone before him? In the past few weeks? No.
It is so disappointing. To think about it now, at this time of the day. To know that there just isn't something right. And I guess that, that is why I'm not secure. That's why I'm not assured that I won't be able to get to UP because I haven't been stable on certain things--on the most important things.
It's a shame, I know. I go before everyone and the Lord as shameful as ever. And I hope and pray that the Lord will grant mercy on me.
I ' m s o r r y. I h a v e n ' t b e e n f a i t h f u l. I h a v e n ' t b e e n h o l y. I h a v e n ' t b e e n a c t i n g l i k e Y o u r c h i l d l a t e l y.
In conclusion, I have three days before the UPCAT to get myself right around again. T h r e e d a y s. I know it's not much, and I probably won't be able to get back up on two feet as stable as before, but I need to do my best in order to be right with the Lord before I take my chance on the UPCAT. I just need to.
It's not for the UPCAT. It's not. It's for the Lord. I feel so so guilty that I haven't been faithful to Him and ohmygosh, it is like the most terrible feeling in the entire world.
Before I do anything else, I need to go before Him.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21
And I will walk in that way every single day.
