dream of ways to throw it all away.

You walk across the parquet flooring. Back hunched, mind lost, mouth dry, out of words, out of luck.

You just want the feel of soft fabric against your skin; material could never make you so happy. The way you seem to float on a light cloud of endless possibility. Dreaming; thinking about the conceivable patterns of such a perfectly inconceivable world.

You want the feel of your head sinking in your own thoughts. Your body, as tense as it is, to exhale; for everything to float up in the air enough for you to take a few breaths before stepping back into the world you have grown tired of.

Every single day needs a push. A push to love, to speak, to care, to walk, to run, to work, to do.

Your eyes failing you, covers falling faster than anything else; weight much more than what you can ever carry, multiplied. Everything is a blur, literally. Everything and everyone is passing by you and you can't see them, or focus. Numb.

You're a bit on the edge, a little of out of reach. Shadows being cast all around you. Whispers increasing, yet no matter how loud, you don't understand. You're in your own element, but you can't get out.

Save me, you call. I'm close to falling off.

I need sleep.

mental.

Guys. It's done. IT'S FINALLY DONE FGS
MY CHIPBOARD SCULPTURE IS FINALLY DONE


AFTER ONE WEEK OF SLACKING OFF
ONE WEEK OF HARD WORK
AND FIVE DAYS OF INTENSE NON-STOP WORK


I AM FINALLY DONE


I FEEL LIKE PARTYING


ALSO BECAUSE THE 23RD IS 1D'S ANNIVERSARY


AND I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE CAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT WOOOOOOOOOOOT


AND I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE A 7AM MATH CLASS TMRW I AM GONNA STAY UP DOING ALL THE THINGS I WANT YEAH YEAH

stars turning high up above.

A few things I have learned these past two days:

• Coffee works. Made me super energetic and super productive. Been working legit nonstop today!!
• Coffee makes you pee a lot, unfortunately.
• Stress is helpful if you want to be thinner.
• Seriously.
• Unfortunately, you'll have to suffer but whatever. YOU GET THINNER js
• Never expect. never ever ever ever ever
• Even if you know you're not going to reach the top, and you're not being pessimistic at all, it's just really impossible, just don't stop trying. 
• Some things are really just impossible.
• And you can't fight that. 
• because that's life.
• Do not get a computer with spaces between the letters in the keyboard. Like, ugh. It is such a chore to clean because all kinds of little dust bunnies get stuck in between and underneath and it is so annoying.
• Keep away from social networking sites when you're working. 
• Because not only does it distract you with what it has, it also makes you think all sorts of things, depending on what you see. Like, if you see a certain status, you might get really frustrated and start to rant. Or if you see a tweet about your friends going over somewhere and having oodles of fun, you might just want to rip your head off. Or shoot yourself. 
• So.
• No social networking sites.
• Play movies or music on your laptop with speakers. It will keep your mind from drifting away into unnecessary things. And it's something to keep you entertained, in the least.
• Never underestimate any kind of project. I swear. It is horrible once you're there and you're wishing you never underestimated it. 

So yeah.


That's all. See ya'll. Still have a chipboard sculpture, a visual diary, and a toothpick sculpture to do! 

tired of drifting round and round.

This weekend's schedule:


TONIGHT/TMRW (Saturday)
11:30-12mn ;; stop chipboard sculpture. 
12mn-12:30am ;; visual diary research. 
12:30am-2:30am ;; charcoal plate. 
2:30am-3am ;; finalize visual diary research.
3am-3:30am ;; start visual diary draft.
3:30am-4:30 ;; chipboard sculpture.
4:30am-9am ;; sleep lol what is that

9am-12nn ;; chipboard sculpture.

12nn-1:30pm ;; finalize charcoal plate.

1:30pm-4pm ;; visual diary.

4pm-12mn ;; chipboard sculpture.

(Sunday)

12mn-2am ;; chipboard sculpture (SHOULD BE ALMOST DONE)

2am-3am ;; finalize visual diary.

3am-8am ;; sleep

[10am - 3pm ;; church]

4pm-6pm ;; chipboard sculpture (SHOULD BE DONE)

6pm-12mn ;; toothpick sculpture.

(Monday)

12mn-2am ;; toothpick sculpture.

2am-3am ;; finalize charcoal plate.

3am-10am ;; sleep

10am-12nn ;; toothpick sculpture

12nn-4pm ;; woodstain + plastic varnish chipboard sculpture

4pm-12mn ;; toothpick sculpture.

wish me luck.

rain turns the sand into mud.

Hey guys. 

I know I haven't been on here in ages because of school. Things have been pretty all over the places for me lately. The stress has finally gotten to me and I completely cracked the other day in front of my mom. I dunno, I just couldn't control anything. And completely broke down. Which is something I never do in front of my parents okay. My friends, yes, but never my parents, for some reason.
I was just so physically stressed, losing so many hours of sleep and my mind was running circles and I couldn't keep up. 
I stayed up late hours to finish at least four inches of the excruciating chipboard sculpture. Guys I swear. I underestimated this sculpture a whoooole lot. Like, you’ve been tracing and cutting and gluing for the past two hours and you think you’ve reached like five inches, when really it hasn’t even reached one inch. It sucks real bad, the feeling. Like, last night I was seriously going like, “this is impossible.” I did reach four inches though. Such a glorious moment. Imagine how much more glorious it’ll be when I reach fifteen! Haha.


I also have to do a toothpick sculpture which also excruciating. Everything, all these things test your patience. And I feel like I underestimated everything, you know? Not just the plates, but in fact, even the entire course. I came into this course thinking that I was good enough. I mean, you know, the fact that I passed the Talent Test gave me confidence that I could fulfil everything, but at the same time, I sort of became cocky, having the mindset that things are going to be pretty chill and easy. Especially because I don't have to work on papers for my GEs and stuff. 

But noooooo. Everything is much harder than that. It is so hard to find time to do what I want because a lot of the times in my spare time I still need to do FA-related things. 


I am in much need to sleep, relaxation, prayers, and bucket loads of coffee. 

songs of desperation; I played them for you.

It's just one of those days when I just want to rip myself to shreds, tear out the mass that rests on my body that keeps me from feeling the way I should be feeling. Every mirror stains my reflection and it mocks me. I don't dare look at the mirror, especially with glasses on to reveal what is actually standing in front of me that I can't see clearly.

It's one of those days that I just wish I could wish away, those traces of a horrible night and a bar of chocolate; the lack of willpower and self-control and discipline.

I haven't looked at my thinspo folder in pretty much months, maybe two, and flipping through the entire thing right now, there is nothing but disappointment washing over me. Complete and utter disgust at how much I have lost myself. I had gained so much confidence a few months back, I remember it clearly. Standing for what I wanted to do and working hard to achieve that goal. That goal is much higher up now than it used to be, almost unreachable.

And it's just one of those days when everything I seem to be rambling on and on about is irrelevant. My thoughts, my actions, my feelings. But they're not irrelevant to me.

I feel like I'm pushing myself and pushing myself through words and thoughts and feelings yet nothing really happens physically. And it just gets worse and worse when there are these pressure-point situations that get you stuck in the middle, you know, and there are people who create those situations; they make them the way they are. And they make you feel bad and horrible and almost worthless.

It's just one of those days when I don't want to be so hard on myself, when really that's the only thing that can get me by.

The biggest confusion right now is that I don't know what's going to happen. Or what's supposed to happen.

Is anything?

I just need to know. I need to have this assurance that things will be okay, that this little "thing" of mine will be okay. And that I'll be okay.

I feel like I am crying out for help here. The kind of help that will simply push me out of this rut, get me going, keep my head up high, despite everything else that is going on around me.

gosh

you're just in time to witness my first breakdown.

Okay, so.

I am not going to be all emotional and throw a little pity-party for myself. For once I am being serious about all of this.

The goal is to see how far I can go in f o u r  m o n t h s, aka the end of the semester.

I really don't know if this is going to turn into another obsession, but whatever. I honestly just want to get there this time. And I don't know if this time is going to be different either, but I have a little spark of hope that's assuring me that  this can happen.

So yet again, in comes the measuring tape. In comes my MyFitnessPal account. In comes my water therapy. In comes the everyday workout. And in comes my inner turmoil.

You ready?

I am. More than ever.

Four months starts.

Now.

there were stars, they burned my eyes.

I'd like to respond.
But I don't know how, without breaking just a little.
I want to thank you, though.
For the love and care that I never expected.

Thank you.