songs of desperation; I played them for you.

It's just one of those days when I just want to rip myself to shreds, tear out the mass that rests on my body that keeps me from feeling the way I should be feeling. Every mirror stains my reflection and it mocks me. I don't dare look at the mirror, especially with glasses on to reveal what is actually standing in front of me that I can't see clearly.

It's one of those days that I just wish I could wish away, those traces of a horrible night and a bar of chocolate; the lack of willpower and self-control and discipline.

I haven't looked at my thinspo folder in pretty much months, maybe two, and flipping through the entire thing right now, there is nothing but disappointment washing over me. Complete and utter disgust at how much I have lost myself. I had gained so much confidence a few months back, I remember it clearly. Standing for what I wanted to do and working hard to achieve that goal. That goal is much higher up now than it used to be, almost unreachable.

And it's just one of those days when everything I seem to be rambling on and on about is irrelevant. My thoughts, my actions, my feelings. But they're not irrelevant to me.

I feel like I'm pushing myself and pushing myself through words and thoughts and feelings yet nothing really happens physically. And it just gets worse and worse when there are these pressure-point situations that get you stuck in the middle, you know, and there are people who create those situations; they make them the way they are. And they make you feel bad and horrible and almost worthless.

It's just one of those days when I don't want to be so hard on myself, when really that's the only thing that can get me by.

The biggest confusion right now is that I don't know what's going to happen. Or what's supposed to happen.

Is anything?

I just need to know. I need to have this assurance that things will be okay, that this little "thing" of mine will be okay. And that I'll be okay.

I feel like I am crying out for help here. The kind of help that will simply push me out of this rut, get me going, keep my head up high, despite everything else that is going on around me.

gosh

you're just in time to witness my first breakdown.

Okay, so.

I am not going to be all emotional and throw a little pity-party for myself. For once I am being serious about all of this.

The goal is to see how far I can go in f o u r  m o n t h s, aka the end of the semester.

I really don't know if this is going to turn into another obsession, but whatever. I honestly just want to get there this time. And I don't know if this time is going to be different either, but I have a little spark of hope that's assuring me that  this can happen.

So yet again, in comes the measuring tape. In comes my MyFitnessPal account. In comes my water therapy. In comes the everyday workout. And in comes my inner turmoil.

You ready?

I am. More than ever.

Four months starts.

Now.

there were stars, they burned my eyes.

I'd like to respond.
But I don't know how, without breaking just a little.
I want to thank you, though.
For the love and care that I never expected.

Thank you.

baby, just hold on.

OHMYGOSH GUYS TODAY IS THE DAAAAAAAY

I START S C H O O L TODAY

and by school I mean college okay

there is a big difference

because a lot of people think of elementary or high school when they hear the word school but S C H O O L omg

all my nerves right now. 

I cannot take control of it all. 

I think I'm nervous because out of a whole lot of my friends, I'm the only one starting actual classes (I think) after the orientation. omg

My biggest fear is getting lost. Within the FA area. like, not finding my classroom omg. And also terror profs. Please don't let there be any terror profs. And please let the first day/week be so kind to me that I'll get sick of it

please please please Lord

be with me tomorrow. And everyone else as well

Please don't let me panic

I am panicking inside so much right now hahaha

All the nerves omg

okay. I'm going to try to sleep. I told myself thirty minutes ago (actually an hour) that I'd sleep. Nightynight. 

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