It's just one of
those days when I just want to rip myself to shreds, tear out the mass that
rests on my body that keeps me from feeling the way I should be feeling. Every
mirror stains my reflection and it mocks me. I don't dare look at the mirror,
especially with glasses on to reveal what is actually standing in front of me
that I can't see clearly.
It's one of those
days that I just wish I could wish away, those traces of a horrible night and a
bar of chocolate; the lack of willpower and self-control and discipline.
I haven't looked at
my thinspo folder in pretty much months, maybe two, and flipping through the
entire thing right now, there is nothing but disappointment washing over me.
Complete and utter disgust at how much I have lost myself. I had gained so much
confidence a few months back, I remember it clearly. Standing for what I wanted
to do and working hard to achieve that goal. That goal is much higher up now
than it used to be, almost unreachable.
And it's just one of
those days when everything I seem to be rambling on and on about is irrelevant.
My thoughts, my actions, my feelings. But they're not irrelevant to me.
I feel like I'm
pushing myself and pushing myself through words and thoughts and feelings yet
nothing really happens physically. And it just gets worse and worse when there
are these pressure-point situations that get you stuck in the middle, you know,
and there are people who create those situations; they make them the way they
are. And they make you feel bad and horrible and almost worthless.
It's just one of
those days when I don't want to be so hard on myself, when really that's the
only thing that can get me by.
The biggest confusion
right now is that I don't know what's going to happen. Or what's supposed to
happen.
Is anything?
I just need to know.
I need to have this assurance that things will be okay, that this little
"thing" of mine will be okay. And that I'll be okay.
I feel like I am
crying out for help here. The kind of help that will simply push me out of this
rut, get me going, keep my head up high, despite everything else that is going
on around me.
gosh
