stars turning high up above.

A few things I have learned these past two days:

• Coffee works. Made me super energetic and super productive. Been working legit nonstop today!!
• Coffee makes you pee a lot, unfortunately.
• Stress is helpful if you want to be thinner.
• Seriously.
• Unfortunately, you'll have to suffer but whatever. YOU GET THINNER js
• Never expect. never ever ever ever ever
• Even if you know you're not going to reach the top, and you're not being pessimistic at all, it's just really impossible, just don't stop trying. 
• Some things are really just impossible.
• And you can't fight that. 
• because that's life.
• Do not get a computer with spaces between the letters in the keyboard. Like, ugh. It is such a chore to clean because all kinds of little dust bunnies get stuck in between and underneath and it is so annoying.
• Keep away from social networking sites when you're working. 
• Because not only does it distract you with what it has, it also makes you think all sorts of things, depending on what you see. Like, if you see a certain status, you might get really frustrated and start to rant. Or if you see a tweet about your friends going over somewhere and having oodles of fun, you might just want to rip your head off. Or shoot yourself. 
• So.
• No social networking sites.
• Play movies or music on your laptop with speakers. It will keep your mind from drifting away into unnecessary things. And it's something to keep you entertained, in the least.
• Never underestimate any kind of project. I swear. It is horrible once you're there and you're wishing you never underestimated it. 

So yeah.


That's all. See ya'll. Still have a chipboard sculpture, a visual diary, and a toothpick sculpture to do! 

tired of drifting round and round.

This weekend's schedule:


TONIGHT/TMRW (Saturday)
11:30-12mn ;; stop chipboard sculpture. 
12mn-12:30am ;; visual diary research. 
12:30am-2:30am ;; charcoal plate. 
2:30am-3am ;; finalize visual diary research.
3am-3:30am ;; start visual diary draft.
3:30am-4:30 ;; chipboard sculpture.
4:30am-9am ;; sleep lol what is that

9am-12nn ;; chipboard sculpture.

12nn-1:30pm ;; finalize charcoal plate.

1:30pm-4pm ;; visual diary.

4pm-12mn ;; chipboard sculpture.

(Sunday)

12mn-2am ;; chipboard sculpture (SHOULD BE ALMOST DONE)

2am-3am ;; finalize visual diary.

3am-8am ;; sleep

[10am - 3pm ;; church]

4pm-6pm ;; chipboard sculpture (SHOULD BE DONE)

6pm-12mn ;; toothpick sculpture.

(Monday)

12mn-2am ;; toothpick sculpture.

2am-3am ;; finalize charcoal plate.

3am-10am ;; sleep

10am-12nn ;; toothpick sculpture

12nn-4pm ;; woodstain + plastic varnish chipboard sculpture

4pm-12mn ;; toothpick sculpture.

wish me luck.

TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.

Talent Determination Test Qualifiers for the Department of Studio Arts (Painting)
Hihihihi

I don’t know how to thank anybody, really. I want to give EVERYONE the biggest hug I could ever give. Most epecially, You, Lord. For all the days of my life, ever since I was a little kid, this is was my college dream. I don’t know why I even deserve this (especially knowing how the test went HAHA).

thank you, thank You, SO MUCH. I cannot contain my happiness and the way my heart is racing and the way I can feel it booming out of my chest right now. Thank You. Thank You!!


*endless happy dance*

some days are like razor blades.

from Tumblr ;; original source: blissfulxlovee ;; via lovejesusinfinitely

I don't really want to talk about not passing the UPCAT. I mean, there's nothing else to say except for: it hurts, it sucks, and it makes you hate everything. 

But I came across this in one of my drafts the other day.

from Tumblr ;; original source:/via spiritualinspiration

And this is one of the hardest times. 

You give and take away

You give and take away

But my heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed by Your glorious name 

 

I'll be alright, just not tonight. || I'm on my way to happier days.

The two images were created by one of my best friends, April Baldovino. She inspires me like no other.

The UPCAT. What do I say about the UPCAT?
It was alright. I mean, there were a lot of parts that I breezed through. There were parts that made me think, but I was sure of my answers. Especially in the Language Proficiency subtest. That has always been my strength. And then came terror.
Science.
I expected myself to have a much harder time in Math, but nooooo, Science was being so incredibly stubborn. Like, wow. I really didn't expect it to be that hard. I'm not saying there isn't anything that I couldn't answer or didn't know the answer to, but I took a really long time, and there were a number of questions that I had to keep reading over and over and over again to find the answer.
What I had a hard time in with Math was the Geometry. Basically because I just suck at Geometry. I mean, average people will be fine with it. But when it comes to Geom, I am below average. I'm high average in Trigonometry, but there was none. Ohwell. It was strange that I had a generally easy time in Math. Compared to Science? My goodness, yes. Haha.
Reading Comprehension. Ohmygosh. I had a hard time. Why? It is extremely t i m e - c o n s u m i n g.  I cannot stress that enough.
Like, you know how people always tell you to skip the hard questions and go back to them later on after answering the easy ones? Well, it doesn't work in the UPCAT! Because, the texts are long and the questions need analytical skills. It really does take time to read and answer, and sometimes, it doesn't help to have to go back to the other questions later on. What happened to me (and apparently to a lot of other people), by the time they had to go back, they only had 20 minutes left. And that is extremely short for the reading comprehension.
Another tip that was given to us was that you look at the questions first instead of spending your time reading the entire selection. And then, you look for what the questions are asking for in the selection. The problem is, the texts that were given were long, and needed to be analyzed. Y o u  c a n ' t  n o t  r e a d  t h e  s e l e c t i o n . You need to read the entire thing in order to answer the questions correctly and surely.
Every subtest had questions in Filipino. And that surprised me, because my dad said that my brother's UPCAT last year had no Filipino at all. 

Overall, I'll honestly have to say i t  w a s  h a r d. Having said that, it makes me feel bad because a lot of the people who took the test today, August 6, 2011, Saturday, said that it was pretty okay. And 'pretty okay' doesn't exactly translate to 'it was hard'.
It makes me feel bad. I mean, just yesterday, I was so confident that the Lord would guide me and I was ensured that God is always in control. But after the exam, I'm just disappointed. In myself. Like, I did my best, and my best was not enough. A n d  i t  s e e m s  l i k e  m y  b e s t  i s  j u s t  n e v e r  e n o u g h . Never enough for anything. Academically, anyway. And for some reason, I can't understand why I never, never get anything right when it comes to my academics, honestly.
I cried when I was talking to Whang online. I guess because I saw everyone else's status messages and posts on Facebook and that made me feel so so incredibly low. Like, I just wanted to disappear and dissolve and dissipate into thin air. I wanted to w a s t e  a w a y. 
I hate to be negative and seemingly throw away everything that everyone has told me the past few months, but I feel like I'm not going to pass. Looking it flatly on paper, yeah, it kind of seems that way.
I know that this will pass, I do. It's just. Yeah.
I ' l l  b e  a l r i g h t,  j u s t  n o t  t o n i g h t . Not tomorrow. And probably not for a few days. But I'll be alright.

On the other hand, one good thing about this entire thing is that the UPCAT is done. I don't exactly feel a whole lot of weight off my shoulders because I don't think I did that well, but at least it's one thing off the endless to-do list.


So yeah. Those are things that I have in my mind right now to keep me from thinking about the UPCAT. I don't want to waste my entire SeniorYear waiting and worrying about the results. So yeah.

Again, I'm on my way to happier days.

blessed to be blessed.

It's August 5. Friday .

There are only about 15 and a half hours left `till the UPCAT. Not that I'm diligently counting down.

The past few months, weeks, and days have been nothing more than an endless spiral of weakness, tears, frustration, and pressure.

Y e t  s o,  s o  f u l l  o f  b l e s s i n g s. 

I'm watching the Blind Side right now. I refuse to study, and I am ordered not to study. I am ordered to relax, both by my teachers (and friends) and by God.

The funny thing is, I've had a blind side these past few months. I've been blind to the blessings that were placed in my life. And I was so blind, so oblivious not to realize any of them.


The blessing of education.

Paying for review wasn't easy. I know my parents were very skeptic about the entire idea, not that they were exactly hesitating. They knew I needed it, they wanted it for me, but they also knew how much it cost, and how much sacrifice it would have to be.

The blessing of teachers.

These people have gone way out of their way to simply be able to comfort us every time we crash their time in the faculty room. No matter how little our worried looks are, they take time to pray, to encourage, and to comfort us. It is amazing how loving and caring these people are.

The blessing of friends.

These people have been by my side ever since day one of actual reviewing. They were there to encourage and to inspire me at the same time. We suffered altogether, and succeeded altogether. We spent days and nights figuring out who we were, lighting up our path of faith brighter than ever before, and sorting everything out.

The blessing of being blessed.

Self-explanatory, really. I am so blessed to be blessed.

The Lord is completely in control. I've been holding it in for so long. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted to give it all up, honestly. It was so difficult to have me do it. It's just… simply giving myself away to anything, and not knowing what His plan is for me makes me wonder and sometimes scared of what can happen and where I'll end up.

But finally, finally, the Lord set my spirit free. He took away the pain and the pressure and the worry. He took it all away. I am at peace now, strangely. Sometimes, I think that I'm fooling myself. But I know that the Lord is completely in control. I have no other way to say it. He is completely in control of what will happen. I know that He will help me pull through.

And with that, I  a m  b l e s s e d  t o  b e  b l e s s e d. Thank You Lord. God bless all of us tomorrow!! <3

show me that good things come to those who wait.

D-group was really fun today. Actually, D-group is always fun. I think we're really taking it more seriously and prioritizing it a whole lot more than last year. Haha.
And it feels good. It feels good to be part of a group of people (close people!) who will listen to you share your concerns, praise items, prayer requests, realizations, kwentos, etc etc.
It's nice to know that these people take the time to listen and just enjoy the fellowship and the company for at least an hour. I love D-group.
And I shared about my whole "what if God suddenly leads me to a path that doesn't include art" realization. Teacher felt the same way. I mean, that's what happened to her. Having shifted so many times and applying for different things, and waiting. Until now, I still don't know how to imagine myself not taking Fine Arts, or not going into anything art-related. I just can't.
But my entire D-group helped me take away the doubts and the worries. There's still a tiny little molecule of doubt somewhere in me that is ready to multiply again any moment. The worries are killer, they are. And teacher made one thing clear, the reason I'm feeling like this only now, is because everything is coming faster and faster and it's s o  c l o s e already. That's why all these thoughts and worries are coming. And it's true. It's so close. Arm's length. Or even less.
I'm less worried though. What Mors told me made me feel better, no matter how serious-turned-sabaw her "speech" was, it was very heartfelt. Thank you, Mors.
I need to pray. A lot. I need to do my best in the UPCAT. I need to study. I need to do all that I can for possibilities to be a bit higher, at least.
Sigh.
But yes, Lord, show me that good things come to those who wait. (and thank you David Archuleta, for your song which led me to this realization)

Isaiah 40:31, 

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

our dreams are made of real things.

I think it's the David Archuleta concert today. (yes, the second time David Archie is here in the Philippines, and I can't go) Sigh.
I've revamped my brain in a way that it doesn't get affected by these things anymore. I told myself I'm too used to it, and I'm going to get too used to it.

You know what suddenly scares me?
Not getting art.
The funny thing about it is, we always think "not my will, but Yours, Lord". But the thing is, I've been studying and learning and practising and dreaming of art ever since. It's like my mission is fulfilling my childhood dream. What if that isn't "God's will"? I mean, all those years of preparing and studying and practising and going back to basics and learning new things--all for nothing?
Could it be?
I mean, a dream that seemed right at my hands. Is it really possible for it to be taken away from me? For some reason, I can't imagine. I can't imagine myself not doing or studying Art. I can't imagine myself doing anything else, really. And that sucks, call it being closed-minded if you want, but I don't know. It just really scares me. The possibility of not going the path that seemed so clear to me. I still want it now. In fact, I want it  much more, more than I ever have. And the stronger that desire grows, the more I become scared.
Ahhhhh.