i thought i was never worthy of miracles.

You know what I find amazing?

I was flipping through my Bible a while ago, trying to find appropriate verses for particular infractions in my book report. I was flipping very casually, occassionally seeing a few side notes and comments beside certain verses.
And I was trying to remember each moment that made me write those things.
It amazes me so much, how in each and every single situation that we go through, there is at least ONE verse in the Bible that will completely explain/contradict what we've gone through. It amazes me so much how we can always find the s o l u t i o n,  t h e   c o m f o r t,  t h e   m e r c y we need from such a little book.
I guess I'm saying this because, finally, after how long, I am being convicted.
You see, I haven't actually had my quiet time in a while. Imagine, even before UPCAT, I didn't have my Quiet TIme. And I guess when it gets to that point, that's when I deserve t be punished. The Lord showed that to me in a few ways the past few weeks, but still, He has been so incredibly gracious and merciful to me.
And the thing is, I don't deserve it. 
I don't.
The Lord saves and forgives and accepts us, no matter how dirty we are based on our wrongdoings. He will take us by the hand and gladly walk the road of faith with us, without any hesitation, bitterness, or anger.
I think another reason why I'm pouring out so much praise is because I just received my last Physics quiz. Which I was supposed to fail. Yes. Supposed to. I expected and I deserved to.
But I didn't.
He is the most amazing, awesome, and praise-worthy person in this entire life.
I cannot even contain it right now.
I want to fall down on my knees and praise Him like I never have before. 

I'll be alright, just not tonight. || I'm on my way to happier days.

The two images were created by one of my best friends, April Baldovino. She inspires me like no other.

The UPCAT. What do I say about the UPCAT?
It was alright. I mean, there were a lot of parts that I breezed through. There were parts that made me think, but I was sure of my answers. Especially in the Language Proficiency subtest. That has always been my strength. And then came terror.
Science.
I expected myself to have a much harder time in Math, but nooooo, Science was being so incredibly stubborn. Like, wow. I really didn't expect it to be that hard. I'm not saying there isn't anything that I couldn't answer or didn't know the answer to, but I took a really long time, and there were a number of questions that I had to keep reading over and over and over again to find the answer.
What I had a hard time in with Math was the Geometry. Basically because I just suck at Geometry. I mean, average people will be fine with it. But when it comes to Geom, I am below average. I'm high average in Trigonometry, but there was none. Ohwell. It was strange that I had a generally easy time in Math. Compared to Science? My goodness, yes. Haha.
Reading Comprehension. Ohmygosh. I had a hard time. Why? It is extremely t i m e - c o n s u m i n g.  I cannot stress that enough.
Like, you know how people always tell you to skip the hard questions and go back to them later on after answering the easy ones? Well, it doesn't work in the UPCAT! Because, the texts are long and the questions need analytical skills. It really does take time to read and answer, and sometimes, it doesn't help to have to go back to the other questions later on. What happened to me (and apparently to a lot of other people), by the time they had to go back, they only had 20 minutes left. And that is extremely short for the reading comprehension.
Another tip that was given to us was that you look at the questions first instead of spending your time reading the entire selection. And then, you look for what the questions are asking for in the selection. The problem is, the texts that were given were long, and needed to be analyzed. Y o u  c a n ' t  n o t  r e a d  t h e  s e l e c t i o n . You need to read the entire thing in order to answer the questions correctly and surely.
Every subtest had questions in Filipino. And that surprised me, because my dad said that my brother's UPCAT last year had no Filipino at all. 

Overall, I'll honestly have to say i t  w a s  h a r d. Having said that, it makes me feel bad because a lot of the people who took the test today, August 6, 2011, Saturday, said that it was pretty okay. And 'pretty okay' doesn't exactly translate to 'it was hard'.
It makes me feel bad. I mean, just yesterday, I was so confident that the Lord would guide me and I was ensured that God is always in control. But after the exam, I'm just disappointed. In myself. Like, I did my best, and my best was not enough. A n d  i t  s e e m s  l i k e  m y  b e s t  i s  j u s t  n e v e r  e n o u g h . Never enough for anything. Academically, anyway. And for some reason, I can't understand why I never, never get anything right when it comes to my academics, honestly.
I cried when I was talking to Whang online. I guess because I saw everyone else's status messages and posts on Facebook and that made me feel so so incredibly low. Like, I just wanted to disappear and dissolve and dissipate into thin air. I wanted to w a s t e  a w a y. 
I hate to be negative and seemingly throw away everything that everyone has told me the past few months, but I feel like I'm not going to pass. Looking it flatly on paper, yeah, it kind of seems that way.
I know that this will pass, I do. It's just. Yeah.
I ' l l  b e  a l r i g h t,  j u s t  n o t  t o n i g h t . Not tomorrow. And probably not for a few days. But I'll be alright.

On the other hand, one good thing about this entire thing is that the UPCAT is done. I don't exactly feel a whole lot of weight off my shoulders because I don't think I did that well, but at least it's one thing off the endless to-do list.


So yeah. Those are things that I have in my mind right now to keep me from thinking about the UPCAT. I don't want to waste my entire SeniorYear waiting and worrying about the results. So yeah.

Again, I'm on my way to happier days.

blessed to be blessed.

It's August 5. Friday .

There are only about 15 and a half hours left `till the UPCAT. Not that I'm diligently counting down.

The past few months, weeks, and days have been nothing more than an endless spiral of weakness, tears, frustration, and pressure.

Y e t  s o,  s o  f u l l  o f  b l e s s i n g s. 

I'm watching the Blind Side right now. I refuse to study, and I am ordered not to study. I am ordered to relax, both by my teachers (and friends) and by God.

The funny thing is, I've had a blind side these past few months. I've been blind to the blessings that were placed in my life. And I was so blind, so oblivious not to realize any of them.


The blessing of education.

Paying for review wasn't easy. I know my parents were very skeptic about the entire idea, not that they were exactly hesitating. They knew I needed it, they wanted it for me, but they also knew how much it cost, and how much sacrifice it would have to be.

The blessing of teachers.

These people have gone way out of their way to simply be able to comfort us every time we crash their time in the faculty room. No matter how little our worried looks are, they take time to pray, to encourage, and to comfort us. It is amazing how loving and caring these people are.

The blessing of friends.

These people have been by my side ever since day one of actual reviewing. They were there to encourage and to inspire me at the same time. We suffered altogether, and succeeded altogether. We spent days and nights figuring out who we were, lighting up our path of faith brighter than ever before, and sorting everything out.

The blessing of being blessed.

Self-explanatory, really. I am so blessed to be blessed.

The Lord is completely in control. I've been holding it in for so long. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted to give it all up, honestly. It was so difficult to have me do it. It's just… simply giving myself away to anything, and not knowing what His plan is for me makes me wonder and sometimes scared of what can happen and where I'll end up.

But finally, finally, the Lord set my spirit free. He took away the pain and the pressure and the worry. He took it all away. I am at peace now, strangely. Sometimes, I think that I'm fooling myself. But I know that the Lord is completely in control. I have no other way to say it. He is completely in control of what will happen. I know that He will help me pull through.

And with that, I  a m  b l e s s e d  t o  b e  b l e s s e d. Thank You Lord. God bless all of us tomorrow!! <3

and I lost my faith, in my darkest days.

I feel so, so unprepared for the UPCAT.
Not just academically (despite studying a lot for the past few weeks), but also s p i r i t u a l l y. With everything going on in school, miscellaneous things going on with friends and family, and everything going on in preparation for the UPCAT, I haven't been able to "prepare" myself with God either. 
And it's really sad. It's sad to know that I have been so focused on other things before focusing on God first. People always say, "it's my priority..." or "my main goal is..." When in fact, in everything you do, the Lord has to, has to, always be the first thing on any kind of list. 
I've got a number of personal issues that have been getting in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I can say that I've done my devos, and that I've prayed to the Lord, but have I really, really, actually gone before him? In the past few weeks? No. 
It is so disappointing. To think about it now, at this time of the day. To know that there just isn't something right. And I guess that, that is why I'm not secure. That's why I'm not assured that I won't be able to get to UP because I haven't been stable on certain things--on the most important things.
It's a shame, I know. I go before everyone and the Lord as shameful as ever. And I hope and pray that the Lord will grant mercy on me.
I ' m  s o r r y.  I  h a v e n ' t  b e e n  f a i t h f u l.  I  h a v e n ' t  b e e n  h o l y.  I  h a v e n ' t  b e e n  a c t i n g  l i k e  Y o u r  c h i l d  l a t e l y.

In conclusion, I have three days before the UPCAT to get myself right around again. T h r e e  d a y s. I know it's not much, and I probably won't be able to get back up on two feet as stable as before, but I need to do my best in order to be right with the Lord before I take my chance on the UPCAT. I just need to.
It's not for the UPCAT. It's not. It's for the Lord. I feel so so guilty that I haven't been faithful to Him and ohmygosh, it is like the most terrible feeling in the entire world. 
Before I do anything else, I need to go before Him.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

And I will walk in that way every single day.